Penny started preschool today.
I refuse to feel guilty. I refuse to feel sad. I really don’t feel sad about having her there, though I do feel a bit lost with so much time and quiet in the house. I have felt a fair amount of guilt. It seems every major parenting decision comes with its fair share of guilt. Am I doing the right thing? Is it good for her? Is it good for me?
I know she’s only three, going on four. I know that we have always said we would homeschool, and that still is in the plans once we move back to the States. I know the days are long (it’s a five-day, six-hour preschool). But it feels right, and it’s right for our situation at this time.
I toured the school back in April, because of a friend and neighbor of mine sends her daughter there. I was impressed. It’s a private, British-style prep school located in a high rise, just ten to fifteen minutes from our home. They wear the cutest uniforms. The classrooms are interactive. The teachers are top-notch. Brandon and I said we would probably send her next year, when the new year starts in March (they follow the Korean school year.)
I enrolled her in a ballet class there every week this summer, and one day Brandon came with me. We toured the school together and instead of enrolling her in March, Brandon was convinced we should start her when their second semester began – August 18th. I was surprised, but I agreed, let’s do it. With a newborn in my arms and a long summer of TV watching, I knew she needed something else. Something more.
Honestly, sending her to school is for me as much as her. I’ve become impatient with her. I don’t like the way I’m mothering. I’ve dug myself a hole and I feel like I couldn’t get out. But even after one day of her being at school, I’m finding my patience restored. I have time to get things done, workout, focus on me (and of course, Thomas) without the constant questions and demands that a typical three year old brings with them. It was wearing on me. I wasn’t a good person, and I was a mediocre mother.
So Penny is at school now. She is interacting with new friends, learning all sorts of facts and skills, and getting opportunities to run and paint and be a kid, without the constant presence of me. And when I pick her up in the afternoon, we are both full of happiness and big smiles.
This is good for her and for me. I hope it continues to be.
Be patient with me… my computer broke! I’m working with Brandon’s, but it’s not as comfortable and doesn’t have any of my photos. So blogging will be few and far between for a couple weeks. Always visit me on Instagram though! @cshels