I feel all out of sorts this summer. I spent all of June waiting for a baby and have spent all of July taking care of this baby. We’re figuring out our new family and, while I love it, it’s making me feel uncomfortable and anxious.
I’m a person who sticks to habits and doesn’t change them easily. Not easily at all. I think that’s where my occasional anxiety is coming from. I’m trying my best to appreciate the flow of life, to know that we will settle into our new routine, but I’m fighting against it as well. My life has turned upside down once again. I know it will figure itself out in due time, and on the majority of days I feel good, but sometimes… sometimes that anxiety turns up.
This is our second summer in Korea, but not our last, as we still have one more. Part of me is wishing we were moving on soon, because we’re always up for new adventures and new places. Part of me is pleased that we will get another chance. I had high hopes for this summer, to be filled with adventures like last summer, but you know… life. Life and babies and errands get in the way.
Last summer was amazing in its own terrible way. I was in a rough place, though I didn’t quite know it at the time. It took me until September to realize I was battling postpartum depression brought on by weaning Penny in June. Brandon was gone off and on most of the summer, and his sister was visiting and helping out with Penny and the house. I was frantically keeping us busy and moving (part of my anxiety and depression, and part of my personality.) We were discovering new splash pads, visiting friends, hitting up museums and parks, and just going going going.
I expected a lot of the same this summer. I don’t know why. I can be realistic: Toting around a newborn, especially in this heat, just isn’t practical.
We haven’t done as much, but we have done things.
We’ve been to the water park down at the other Army base a few times, and probably will return at least once before summer is over. We’ve visited a splash pad at least once a week. We’ve had treats. We’ve had playdates. It’s been good.
I guess it just doesn’t feel the same, but that’s expected. Things are different now. I have to reassure myself that given time, we will settle into a new routine. And then next summer, our last summer in Korea, will come along. I will have a four year old and a one year old, and we will go on adventures. We will make the most of the hot weather and cross off those things we wanted to explore and discover before we head to our next place.
For now, I’ll try not to think about our changing routines, and focus on these two instead.