Here we are, over five months since Penny was born by cesarean. I last wrote about it when she was three weeks old. Back then I was still healing up. I could move, but it still hurt sometimes. I couldn't touch the scar area, it just bothered me. It didn't hurt to breathe.
Physically, I feel great. About a month ago I was getting these pinchy pains but I think that was some of the nerves coming back. The scar is all healed up and I will actually touch it, though I don't like to normally. I don't like Brandon touching it either. I can work out without any issues and I can move easily. Almost like nothing happened.
Mentally, I feel a little off still.
I understand why I had to get the c-section. If we were put in the exact same situation, we would probably go the same route. If you weren't around for that drama, here's the quick run down: Penny was breech at 39 weeks, they said we should schedule a c-section, we said no because we wanted to try and turn her, we did everything but an external version, I went into labor a week and a day later, c-section.
I'm not exactly disappointed in that because that was our plan. We tried to turn her, oh yes we did, and in the end I went into labor and that was that. There was no doctor or midwife that would deliver a breech baby and I'm sort of glad of that. The way she was positioned, with one foot down, was just dangerous. Doable, but dangerous. And she had a cord around her neck when they pulled her out (perhaps that's why she didn't turn?).
In the end, I was choosing the c-section. I had to decide at what point what I doing things for my benefit and not hers?
I'm still angry about it. I hate seeing this damn scar in the mirror and knowing that it will be there forever. Yeah, it'll fade, but it'll be there. A constant reminder of the birth that didn't go my way. I wish I could be like some women I read about who didn't care that they got a c-section because that's the way they were meant to give birth and they're grateful for their healthy baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for Penny. Like I said, I'd do it again if I had to. But I don't want to.
I'm still an advocate for natural birth but I feel weird telling people my thoughts when in the end I went the complete opposite route. I will still tell anyone who is considering a c-section to look at other options first. I can't believe how people can choose this if they don't have to. It just boggles my mind!
I'm learning to deal with the pain. I hope to do a VBAC with the next baby but I'm nervous about it. I guess I don't have to worry about that now, though, right?