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Monday, July 19, 2010

Day Nineteen

I had my first deployment nightmare. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say it would be the worst thing that could happen, and when I woke up at 5:30am (after a very fitful sleep) I just couldn't go back to sleep.

This morning, I just wanted to throw a deployment fit. It sucked because I had work all day. But adding on my nightmare, I had mean customers who almost made me cry, too little sleep, and was worried about Brandon (mostly prompted by said nightmare). I was just done.

I wanted to roll around and cry and just let it all out. I don't want to make all the decisions when I can't talk to Brandon. I don't want to live alone for a year. I don't want to watch TV alone, go to bed alone, make dinner for one person, laugh alone, read books alone, do anything we normally do alone. I don't want to see other couples being lovey-dovey when my husband is gone and we can't be sweet together until R&R at least. I don't want anyone's husbands to come home from deployment when mine just left. I'm just being jealous, but it's how I feel sometimes. I just miss him.

The time is getting to me. I see the calendar every day and think "Holy crap, I have a long way to go." I need to push that out of my mind. I was so good before, why am I not now? Is it because a year seems so daunting? Because the days seem to go by so slowly sometimes? I got married so I could have someone with me forever, not because I wanted to continue being a single lady... but I did marry someone in the military, so of course, this isn't a surprise.

After eating some lunch (low blood sugar will do a number of you), I felt a bit better. I went to the bathroom at work and looked at myself in the mirror and told myself: "This is your life now, Chantal, so suck it up. It sucks, it does, give yourself time to have a fit then pick yourself up and move on."

So that's what I did. For the most part. I had nicer customers, so that was nice. Then Brandon came on Skype and left me some messages. Here's another thing that bothers me. Brandon is moving to another FOB soon. This FOB has worse internet and is in a worse place. Ugh, I don't want that. I like the internet, I like being able to talk to him easily. AH!

My left leg is cramping, I'm tired... ugh, just whiny. I hope you all are feeling alright!

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3 comments:

  1. Hang in there Hon, it gets better. I promise!! I know exactly how you feel. If I can do it..you can do it! ;) *hugs*

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  2. We hear ya. Day 19 sucks!! Day 19 (or 20 or 21, whatever) always sucks. But that day will pass. But day 50 will be here soon. Then 80. Then 100. And day 19 will seem like it was so long ago.

    No one will tell you not to have bad days. They are just part of the process. Have bad days. It's healthy. No one can be perky all the time, not during a deployment. Cry. It's healthy. You need that release of emotion. You'll hit walls. Work through them and go one. Tomorrow is a new day. And one day closer to your love being home again.

    Take it from someone at day 126, the days continue to pass, and your number will go up. Day 126 is much easier than day 19. So much better.

    You will find your routine. Going to bed alone gets easier, sadly. Cooking for one gets easier. Watching the tv alone gets easier.

    About day 19 for me, someone suggested I make a "perks list". It sounds so cold! But it's a game now. It's helped my sanity for sure! No alarm at 0430. I dont have to share the tv. I can hog the whole bed! I can eat whatever I want. I can double dip in the salsa. Find your perks. I promise it helps.

    Try to have a good day!

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  3. New to your blog, but I love the title! I'm in a deployment as well...hang in there...it will get better, but there will always be these kinds of days...its normal! Thinking about you!

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